Spring Break 2013, Day 2

It was eight, I repeat, eight freakin' degrees when we woke up this morning. March is seriously the worst month. People say "Oh, January is so cold, waa, waa!". January is supposed to be cold! March has no excuses except that I think March actually enjoys being an a#*. Last year at this time we were in Florida for the kids' spring break. I am trying not to think about that too much.

So, anyway, today actually went by pretty quickly, considering the bleak beginning. (8! I still can't believe it.) I slept in until 7 and then went downstairs to work out, and the kids didn't wake up until right as I was finishing up, so that was awesome. By the time I'd showered and everyone was ready to go out for breakfast we had wasted half the morning already.

We went out for breakfast at a place I routinely took Oliver last year in-between dropping Ali off at school by 8 and needing to have Oliver at preschool by 9. We had a great time. Plus, the food there is excellent, AND they always put pretty designs on the foam of your latte, and I'm a pretty big sucker for that. We lingered over breakfast and I was all aglow with how awesome my kids are and how much I enjoy their company. Then we drove home and walked in the door and one of them asked "What are we going to do now?"

I calmly explained to them that we have three more days of spring break left, not to mention an entire summer, and I have not, nor do I intend to, plan every minute of every day out for them. This is where it gets weird. They both agreed with me, and proceeded to play a game with their stuffed animals until lunch. A smart person would have taken advantage of this time by cleaning the kitchen, something I had fully intended to do today. Since I'm not a smart person I thought it would be a better use of my time to get sucked down the rabbit hole of old posts on this blog ("oh, look at how cute they are!" "my kids say the darndest things!" *sob*" they were so little !"), after which I finally decided to go through the papers on the table only to completely freak out that I didn't know where the envelope containing the tickets for Ali's ice show was and immediately drew the conclusion that I had accidentally thrown it out. Then, as if to prove to myself I'm not a smart person, I proceeded to go through all of the recycling and garbage, piece by piece, from the past week. I came in from outside totally defeated (plus my hands were freezing), before a tiny, dim lightbulb came on in my head and I remembered I'd taken all non-essential items out of my purse before leaving for the airport on Friday. I threw everything in my nightstand, and sure enough, there was the stupid envelope. And that, my friends, is how you waste valuable time. You're welcome.

The rest of the afternoon was spent running an errand and sledding. The kids had a great time and I tried hard not to think about how it was March 19th and the snow wasn't even trying to melt. Before I knew it we were at ice show practice. Then it was home for dinner, a movie, stories, and bed time.

So, if you look back at my day, you quickly realize that the children are not my problem. I am my biggest problem. That's.....well, that's just depressing.

An lo, spring break was upon us...

...and at first I was all "Woo-hoo! A whole week with the kids! With no work and no packing lunches and no waking up crabby little boys and no piling into the car at the last possible second and no homework!"

Then I went to this wonderful wedding in Pennsylvania. It was a wedding with a violinist and a cantor at the church, and a harpist and people walking around with white towels over their arms offering us all sorts of beautiful appetizers during the cocktail hour. The bar was open, and it was top-notch stuff, let me tell you. We had salmon and filet mignon for supper, and the whole time the bar was still open. We got to talk with people we rarely get to see, but love, and dance the night away and have zero responsibility. Then, on the flight home, we got upgraded to first class. FIRST CLASS! Both of us, together! So I sat with my blanket and pillow and free lunch and drinks and relaxed on the two and a half hour flight home.

Then, suddenly, I was home. Here, at home, were two children. Children who are great, yes, but who need. They need lots of things, most of the time. It was quite shocking, really, coming from a weekend where I was responsible soley for being arm candy and having a good time. It was fine, though. We ordered Thai food for dinner and watched The Amazing Race. We were exhausted (would you go to bed early with an open bar of top-notch stuff? No, you wouldn't.), so we put the kids to bed and hit the hay.

But then! Then this morning happened. I woke up and there was snow everywhere, and Silas was packing up a suitcase to leave for the week and there were those children again, running around downstairs, excited about spring break. About five whole days of NOT HAVING ANYTHING TO DO. Dear Lord. What are we going to do all week? No, I'm really asking. WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO??

So. I tried to remain calm. I used to spend lots of time with these small people when they were babies and toddlers. Right? Well, I do work a couple of days a week (but I took this week off to spend time with my preshus snowflakes), and they did take naps then, sometimes for hours. But whatever, I can do this. But then my mind wandered back to this past weekend. Where I walked down the hallway after sleeping in on Saturday morning and piled some breakfast on my plate that someone else had cooked and sat with Si's extended family and enjoyed breakfast and coffee and conversation. Then, when I was done, someone took my plate for me! After that we explored the hotel and wasted time (OK, we went back to the rental car place because I'm an idiot and I left my bag on the shuttle from the airport but it's a long story and we ended up back at the airport but then we went back to the rental car place and there was my bag, but you should take away that not once were we pressed for time because we had NOTHING ELSE TO DO and no children to tell us they were bored/hungry/fell down.).

So, this is what we did today:
-We played outside in that beautiful, wretched snow. I shoveled, threw the ball for the dog, buried the kids. Maybe two hours down. MAYBE.
-Cleaned the living room. Involved the kids in it. They actually thought it was fun (score for me!). Half an hour down?
-Made hot chocolate, drank hot chocolate. Made lunch, ate lunch. Don't look at the clock, it'll be mocking you.
-Watched a movie. James and The Giant Peach. Alison thought it was OK, Oliver liked it, I think I fell asleep for some important parts. Two hours down.
-Credits on the movie are rolling, Oliver is already asking "Now what do you want to do?". I wrapped the kids up like burritos in a blanket on the living room floor and pretended to eat them. Kids lost their minds with fun, began acting like crazed, wild animals. I lost control. I am not comfortable with that.
-Regained control by giving them ice cream and making them sit and eat it while watching The Cosby Show. Looked at clock. Cursed.
-Told the kids I was going to pick up kitchen. Ali gets out her Easy Bake Oven and starts to make something tiny. Oliver goes through a few activities before telling me he's bored. I tell him we should probably get rid of all of those toys in his room. Later I find him on the couch grabbing at his bare feet. He tells me his "toes are fighting".
-Make dinner, eat dinner. Clean up dinner. Realize I have more time than I thought and it's not time to take Alison to gymnastics yet.
-Play catch with the frisbee. Yes, inside.
-Take Ali to gymnastics. 6:10-7:45 taken care of! Break one of my rules and allow Oliver to play on my phone almost the whole time.
-Come home. Get out of the car. Oliver announces he is hungry. Usher everyone inside (Why is it so cold and windy? WHY?) Go through the whole "Pick up your stuff, get on your jammies" litany three to four times, wonder if there is any sound coming out of my mouth.
-We all have some crackers, kids finish up getting ready for bed, we read two books, Oliver tells me he doesn't feel like going to bed.
-I ignore him. Tuck in kids. Kiss them. Turn on everyones' music. Come out to kitchen, make a G&T and contemplate the rest of the week.

So, we've got four days left. Stay tuned. It could get pretty crazy.

A letter from my loving daughter...

Here is a note I got from Alison tonight. It's pretty awesome. I found it folded up on my pillow, bound with a hair rubber band and flower clip. On the outside it said "I'm sory". Here is what she wrote on the inside:

Dear mom
i love you
you can be a pane sometime
i still love you
your still my mom
Love,
Alison!

P.S. test tomoro

We'd had an argument right before bed about her spelling words. She wanted me to give her a test, I said I wouldn't because 1) she was supposed to be in bed in five minutes, and 2) she'd only copied them down one night. We save the practice tests until Wednesday or Thursday, after she's had a few nights to copy them down in preparation for her test at school on Friday. As you can see above I'm hoping soon she will be bringing home "pain", "tomorrow", and "sorry".

I can't wait until she has a daughter of her own and I can show her this note.

Simmer down. No one is going to be killed.

Ah, parenting. The joys. The sorrows. The frustrating moments. The times where you think you may just know what you're doing. The times when your husband is traveling and you've dropped kids off at school. Picked kids up from school. Taken the dog to the vet. Prepared meals. Cleaned up after those meals. Reinforced some books for the school library. Gotten snacks. Nagged children to do their homework. Nagged children to clean their room. Nagged children to clean up the playroom. Wonder if you are making any sound with your mouth parts while nagging children. Done one or two or eleventy billion loads of laundry. Looked longingly at the book you are trying to read mocking you from the kitchen table while you walk by with the laundry basket. Send text messages to your husband like this:

This is the conversation I had with Oliver just as I was uploading this photo:
"Mama, I hope I am never without you."
"You're never going to be without me, buddy."
"But what if I go to college?"
"I'll always be here for you, Little Man. You couldn't get rid of me if you tried."
Then he wrapped his arms around my neck and gave me a big hug. (You should know he was wearing Batman footie jammies. Yea. Uber cute.) So, I guess I can wipe up sticky messes and make countless meals and nag until I'm blue in the face. It's all worth it.

Edited to add:
After reading books before bed Alison gave me a little note and a snack bag full of my favorite candy, M&Ms. How great are those kids?

Frilly Unmentionables

Wow. I've got a million blog posts rolling around in my head right now. OK, maybe three. Maybe. More probably two. The children each had a birthday, and quite frankly, the fact that parenting is getting harder suddenly clobbered me over the head last night. This post, however, is going to be light hearted, because a stranger saw my underwear today.

So. Laundry. It's gotta' get done, right? In my house I do it. Just another one of those housewifey duties I took over when I got knocked up, walked up to my boss, and told her I would no longer like to show up to work every damn day.

Laundry is a chore that never fails to sneak up on me. I'll spend two days doing it, then walk around all smug and proud that everyone's got clean clothes and sheets and there are plenty of towels and man, I'm good at this whole being a housewife thing. Meanwhile my family is walking around wearing clothing and taking showers and sleeping in their sheets. Before I know it it's two weeks later and those same clothes are sitting in hampers scattered around the house waiting to be washed again. "But, I just did the laundry!" I think. Like those two weeks just didn't happen.

Every once in a while I let it go WAY too long, though, and then I have an epic, epic amount of laundry to do. I could die in the basement in a pile of laundry and it would take weeks to find me. One night this week after Oliver was done with his shower he went to find a clean pair of underwear and declared he was 'all out'. I didn't believe him, because of course I'd just done laundry, so I checked in his drawer and sure enough, no underwear in there. Then I turned around to look at their overflowing hampers. Perhaps I hadn't JUST done laundry.

For the last two days I've been doing laundry. Load after load of laundry. I haven't even touched the towels yet. Which means I've been folding load after load of laundry in the living room. Sometimes an article of clothing spills out of the hamper and I'm unaware of it, or I'm aware of it, but my hands are full and I'll just get it later. So, today, after dropping the kids off at school (and helping with breakfast and cutting out some frog faces for the preschool classroom and getting a box of books to get ready for the library) I came home just in time for the piano tuner to show up. I let him in and he walked over to the piano to take the stuff off the top so he could start his job when I saw them. There, in the middle of the living room rug, was a pair of my underwear. All crumpled up, with a neon arrow pointing at it, shouting "LOOK AT ME! THIS WOMAN IS DISGUSTING! SHE LEAVES HER UNDERWEAR ON THE LIVING ROOM FLOOR FOR STRANGE MEN TO LOOK AT!" These were not, of course, modest mom panties. Nope, if I'm going to leave a pair of underwear laying around, they are going to be humdingers.

What to do? I'm fairly sure at this point he hadn't seen them. I didn't want to draw attention to them, but I couldn't just let them lay there. He was talking pleasantly and I was trying to form coherent sentences and answer his questions and not seem like a total mute freak who leaves her underwear on the floor. I don't know how he couldn't have seen them, because to me they were lit up with a spotlight while the rest of the room lay in darkness. "Get them!!" my brain screamed at me. Still, I didn't want to draw attention to them. I tried melting them with lasers from my eyes but that didn't work (never does), and then I came up with an elaborate plan to pretend to fall and land on them and do some sort of rolling move where I could put them into my pocket without him noticing.  Right before I was about to pull the trigger on my tuck and roll move he sat on the piano bench and turned his back to the rest of the room. I quickly scooped them up, stuffed them into my pocket (classy), and then I went out in the back yard and burned them.

Things I will not do. Ever.

Now that I've been a mother for seven years and an adult for an amount of time I will not currently specify, I've realized that you should probably not say "I will NEVER do that" very often. Almost never, really. I was the best parent in the world before I had kids. "Oh, I'll never let my kids do that", I'd say to my husband, and we sipped coffee and silently passed judgement on the people around us who had procreated. The reality, of course, is the that you don't 'let' your children do anything. Children are going to do stuff, bad stuff, no matter how great of a parent you are, and it's got nothing to do with the fact that you force them to eat vegetables or not. A good parent knows what battles to fight, and the longer you are a parent, the less battles you're willing to fight.

That being said, there are a couple of things I'm not going to do. Mainly because they are stupid. Also maybe a little bit because I'm old(er) and didn't grow up texting and using the internet. Al Gore hadn't invented it yet when I was a kid. I also didn't hang out in coffee shops much in good ol' Fond du Lac, WI, because there weren't any coffee shops there. When we were in high school the cool (I use the term cool very loosely here) thing to do was to go to the Country Kitchen and drink coffee there. We were rebels, that's for sure.

OK, here they are. Number one, I will not use abbreviations while texting or tweeting, etc. that mean "rolling on the floor laughing", or "laughing out loud", or anything like that. I won't do it. It's dumb. Really? You're rolling on the floor laughing right now? Literally rolling around on the ground of wherever you are, be it in the privacy of your own home or out and about in public? I don't think you are. Perhaps you think what you just read was very amusing, but let's not get too carried away here.

As for "laughing out loud". Well, that's great. Laughing is awesome. You know what isn't? LOL. That, right there, is the first and last time I have typed and or written those letters together as a stand alone abbreviation.

The same goes for all of the other abbreviations people use. I'm going to tell you right now, if you use an abbreviation while texting me, I probably won't know what it is. I just recently learned that IDK means 'I don't know'. I know this makes me sound old, but I don't care. Just say what you mean. We're raising a whole group of kids who are actually going to say things like LOL (whoops, I lied up there), ROFL, IDK, WTH, etc. Words are good. Use them.

The other thing I refuse to do is use coffee shops' terms for small, medium, and large. No, I don't want a grande. I want a medium. The middle size. A tall* is not a small. Some may say it's the opposite of small. I, for instance, am not tall. Today I went to Target and decided to stop at the Starbucks for a pumpkin spice latte. I rarely get fancy coffee drinks, but it was rainy and dreary and windy and I had no kids with me. It was clearly time to celebrate.

"Hello! What can I get for you?"

"I'll have a pumpkin spice latte with skim milk."

"What size?"

"Medium"

"Would you like whip on that?"

(Is it really so hard to say whipped cream?)

"Nope"

"OK, that's a grande skinny pumpkin spice latte with no whip..."

Is it just me or does that sound kind of ridiculous?

I know this whole post makes me sound like some crotchety old person who has nothing better to do with her time than complain. I know that. Yet I still wrote it, which is another nice thing about growing up and getting out of your twenties and starting to feel really comfortable in your own** skin. You care less and less what people think of you.

*Full disclosure. I totally had to go to the Starbucks and Caribou coffee websites to see what their sizes were. I now know that at Starbucks a small is a small, the next size up is a tall, then the top two sizes are grande and venti. I still have no idea what they are at Caribou.

**I proofread this and the first time I typed it I said "old skin" instead of "own skin". Wow. Freudian slip much?

Hair is what almost brought me down today.

Today was the first day of school for Alison. Hooray! Except not hooray because I love having both of those kids home with me. And next week Oliver starts preschool. And Alison is getting so old! And what am I going to do when Oliver goes to school full time next year? And also, my Grandma died. So, yea. This has been a tough week. My emotions are a bit...unstable.

Today we went to get the kids hair cuts after picking Ali up from school. I am not a vain person. (Silas's head just exploded because maybe I am about my hair. A little bit.) I don't treat my children like living dolls (although I totally could, have you seen my children?).

We have been swimming at my in-laws' pool a lot this summer. Two years ago after another summer of swimming Alison ended up with hair that closely resembled that of those trolls that crazy people bring to Bingo halls and rub for good luck. She cried every time I brushed it, but refused to have it cut. I didn't want to go through that again, so I've been spraying it with watered down conditioner before she goes in the pool and washing it with swimmers shampoo I bought at the very salon we were getting their cuts at. Mostly because they were on sale two for one, but still, I was trying.

So, the kids are getting their cuts side by side. The woman who is cutting Ali's hair starts brushing it and says over her shoulder at me: "Do you use a clarifying shampoo after she is in the pool, mom?" I'm sorry, but when people call me "mom", and their names are not Alison or Oliver, it tends to drive me nuts. CRAZY. My name is not mom. I am not your mom, in fact, I'm not even close to old enough to be your mother. Maybe, JUST MAYBE, you are even older than I am, in which case it would be physiologically impossible for me to be your mom.

Anyway, I dug my fingers into my palms and said, while perusing Alison's planner, and in the breeziest manner I could, "yes".

"Oh, which one?"

"The one I bought from here." I said this rather smugly. 'I've got her now!', I thought.

"Which brand, was it the Malibu?"

OK, really, is she even serious? Which brand? It's shampoo for my kid. It said swimmers shampoo on it. I couldn't tell you even now, after I had this inane conversation, which brand it is. I finally looked up from my inspection of Ali's planner, which I'd read about five times now, since it was just the first day of school and it turns out there was really nothing to read, and looked at the shelves of products in front of me. I pointed to one.

"That one, with the picture of the little girl on it." To demonstrate the fact that I. do. not. care. At all.

"Oh", she says, "next time buy the Malibu, it is probably a little better and would do a good job of getting out the chlorine residue. Her hair feels like adult hair, with all of the texture in it already."

I stopped pretending to read Alison's planner and looked up.

"In fact", she continued, "you should think about a Malibu treatment. It would really improve the texture of her hair."

I stared at the top of her feet because I couldn't look her in the eye. Had this woman seen directly into my soul? If there is one thing I want more than anything in this world it is for my children to maintain their child-like innocence for as long as possible. No, not just child-like. YOUNG child-like. You know, before they realize that cynicism is even a thing. Before they worry about someone making fun of them for what they wear, or lose that glorious confidence that young children seem to have in abundance. Before they develop, God forbid, hair with the texture of an adults. I'm being serious. This comment really bothered me. I mean, one minute she's telling me how much she loves me and the next she's making me pick her up from school around the corner with Oliver hiding under a blanket in the back seat. It's a slippery slope.

I'm seriously contemplating the Malibu treatment. There isn't much I can control in my life right now, but so help me, I CAN make sure my daughter has soft, child-like hair for as long as humanly possible.

Daylight and a promise.

I need to write a post for Alison's birthday, as I've done every year since I started this blog (which means she was 3 years old the first time I wrote her a birthday post!), but what "they" say is true. (Who are "they"? "They" sure seem to say a lot of things, and have a lot of opinions, but I've never met them.) The older I get, the older the kids get, the faster time passes. Maybe it's because I don't seem to be struggling to burn daylight as much as I did when I was home all day and they were tiny people who couldn't do anything for themselves and we ate, nursed, changed diapers, read books, played, rinse, repeat. Not that I'm complaining about that, because I enjoyed all of that, but sometimes it got, well, it got a little tedious. Now I'm struggling to fit in all of the things I want to do with them while trying to keep the people in this house with clean laundry and full bellies, going to work one or two, or, if it's a REALLY busy week, three days a week, and struggling to do it all before Alison goes back to school in the fall. And, gasp, Oliver starts preschool this year, too, and before you know it my life will once again consist of driving to and from school, doing homework, going to dance, chaperoning field trips, and still going to that pesky job a few days a week. What I'm trying to say is that yes, there will be a birthday post, but it's going to have to wait. Right now we're busy drawing with chalk and playing T-ball in the yard. After that it'll be time to make dinner, and there is talk of baking something with the blueberries in the fridge. Before you know it all of the daylight will be burned and another day will start. We'll fill that one up no problem, too.

Also, Alison is upset there aren't more two dollar bills in circulation

We've been at this summer vacation thing for two weeks now, and the kids are still figuring out how to be together for large amounts of time. Well, pretty much ALL of the time. They share a room and also go to daycare together the days I work. I don't remember there being a large adjustment time for them last year, but apparently two years of being sister-free for the majority of his days has made Oliver more independent, and being told what to do for those same two years as had Alison more angry when Oliver doesn't obey all of her specific instructions. One morning this week they decided they weren't talking to each other (it didn't last long).

This morning the kids woke up at 6:59 on the dot. Oliver wanted to set up his Thomas train track, but in order to do that they needed to clean the playroom. They did, without complaining. I should've known something was up then, but I hadn't had much coffee so my brain wasn't working properly.

I needed a shower, so I told them to work together to build a track while I was showering, and when I got out if they needed help I would help them. I urged Alison to listen to Oliver and allow him to have some control over the building, then got in the shower, expecting to hear arguing and find them at opposite ends of the room when I got out.

Instead, I stepped back into the playroom to see both of them sitting around a track they had built, not arguing, and playing a game with the trains. When they saw me they announced, rather proudly, how they had worked together to build the track. I expressed my approval in glowing terms. Then I noticed that Oliver had two dollar bills next to him. Because my children are so very innocent, and haven't learned the word 'bribery' yet, they immediately explained what was going on without any questions from me.

Apparently when Oliver didn't want to listen to Alison's ideas for the track she told him that if he listened to her (which also means 'do what I say' in Alison speak) she would give him two dollars. Oliver agreed, Alison built the track the way she wanted, and then gave her brother two dollars she had earned during a fundraiser at school this year. Oliver was happy with his two dollars, even though I'm sure he has no idea the value of money or what he could do with it. Case in point, after proudly showing me the crumpled bills he said he wished he had a hundred dollar bill, then asked me how much that would cost.

I feel like this is a great social experiment I didn't even have to set up. Look, I've never bribed anyone in front of the kids. At least I don't think I have. I have, of course, being a parent, bribed THEM countless time with promises of extra books before bed, movie watching, treats, Wii playing, a ride home instead of walking, and the privilege of continuing to live here for free, but never with cold, hard cash. Perhaps I should try a new tactic, it gets amazing results. The kids have gotten along ALL DAY. Right now I'm pretty sure I could leave and they wouldn't notice.

Money talks, even to those who don't have any appreciation or understanding of its value.

That's Coach McAghon, to you.

A few things you should know about me before I tell this story:

1. I love baseball. I played softball growing up, and I loved it. I watch the Twins religiously.

2. I don't know a lot about soccer. I stopped playing it in the 8th grade. I never watch it on TV.

3. I hate using the telephone. My palms get sweaty if I have to call anyone I don't know that well, or even sometimes someone I do know well. I hate making appointments-Dr, hair cuts, whatever-because it means picking up the phone and talking into it.

4. I am not organized, nor am I good at organizing. Anything.

5. I really, really like having free time.

This summer we took the plunge and signed the kids up for some sports. Oliver is playing T-Ball, and Alison will be playing soccer. Oliver's season has started already, and so far he is enjoying himself. Unless it gets too hot, which it did, one night, and you would've thought we were inflicting Chinese water torture on the kid.

During the games I'm more than willing to make sure the kids on the bench are sitting in order and ready when it's there turn to be up, to coach bases when they need me, and bring treats when it's my turn. I really, REALLY enjoy T-Ball and have a hard time sitting down and watching the game. "I really should've signed up to assistant coach", I thought to myself, what with my love of controlling everything I possibly can coupled with my love of baseball. Coaching, however, seemed like way too much work--sending out emails, making sure everyone got their shirts and hats, setting up a treat schedule, setting up the lineup and positions for every game--it all seemed like a hassle.

Alison's season was supposed to start last week, however because of the weather, and a problem finding enough coaches, it will start this week. Yea--a problem finding enough volunteers. Isn't that almost always a problem? After a few emails, each sounding more desperate than the last, I wrote to the coordinator and said I would be willing to help out. HELP OUT. I admitted, in this email, that I didn't know much about soccer and hadn't played since 8th grade. The night I wrote that email the guy called me and said "Hey, thanks for volunteering! You are now the coach of team #6."

Oh, I forgot another thing you should know about me: I can't say no. If you ask me to do something, and your name isn't Alison, Oliver, or Silas, I will probably say yes, even if it's nearly impossible for me to do it. It's not a good thing, at all. I don't do it because I think it makes me look like a good person, I do it because...I don't know, I'm a wuss? I hate confrontation? I'm sure a therapist cold tell me, but that sounds expensive.

So, when Rec Coordinator man said that, instead of saying "Oh, hell no, there is no way I am going to coach a soccer team. You could not pick a sport other than auto racing or golf that I know less about", I said "Um. OK, but I really don't know a lot about soccer." Then Rec Coordinator man assured me that it would be fine. He said lots of words, and through the ringing in my ears I heard him say that one of the moms has coached for him before and would be willing to help, she just couldn't make all of the games. I started to feel a bit better. Then he said "So you'll be in charge of equipment and handing out uniforms. Oh, and calling the parents..." I heard nothing after that because I passed out for a second. When I came to he was talking about emailing me a roster and rules, etc. I numbly hung up the phone and told Si I was now a soccer coach.

After a night thinking about the phone, and how I was going to need to dial the phone, and talk into it, to people I didn't know from Adam, I decided this probably wasn't just going to go away. I printed out all of the stuff he emailed me (roster, ideas for practice, rules for the games

--guess who referees? the coaches!--equipment list) and started screwing up my courage to make the dreaded phone calls.

On Sunday, while I was at work on my break, I took the roster list with me into the break room. With shaking hands I slowly unfolded it. My heart started beating a bit faster. I took a few deep breaths and looked down at the script I had written out in case I got on the phone and completely blanked on what I was going to say. I wrote out a script. I am pathetic. My first call was to soccer playing, assistant coach mom. She was very nice, very willing to help, assured me she'd be at our first game, but said she couldn't make the practice I had decided to schedule. "Fine", I thought, "I can hold a practice, she'll help me with the games, this might not be so bad". I called the next few people and left messages, talked to a very nice dad who seemed genuinely excited to start the season, and then got to the last name on my list.

"Hola", answered a man's voice. "Crap", I thought. I hesitated for a moment but then figured I had no choice other than to launch into my speech and hope he understood. After I got done talking there was a moment of silence. "I'm sorry", said the voice, in heavily accented English, "I speak Spanish". Now, this person did not have an email address listed, so the only way I could communicate with him was through the phone. During the pause that ensued my brain frantically tried thinking of some of the Spanish I learned in high school, or something I may have picked up while helping Ali with her homework. I came up with some fragments. "Futbol", I thought, but I figured he knew what soccer was. I mean, he'd signed his kid up for soccer, and there was no Spanish on that website. "Man, how do you say 'practice' in Spanish? How about times?" When I realized that there was no way I could communicate to him in his native tongue I just did what every good, English speaking person does to someone who doesn't speak it, I said exactly what I had to say, in English, but slowly and over-annunciated.

It worked. He even repeated the times and places back to me so I was sure he knew what I was talking about. I'm really looking forward to meeting him at practice tomorrow so I can hand him his schedule and then ask him to sign up for a night to bring treats. I should probably look up how to say that in Spanish now. I have never regretted taking Spanish 1 and 2 in college even though I'd had two years of it in high school just so I could get the easy A more in my life.

Tonight the assistant coach for Oliver's T-Ball team couldn't make the game so the coach handed me the lineup and positions and asked for help. I had a blast. I loved every minute. Yes, it's frustrating to keep yelling at kids to stop digging in the dirt and pay attention, to have to tell them to throw to first every time the ball is hit to them, to send them to their moms every time they have to go to the bathroom, but it was fun. I realized that I liked being in charge, it was much better than sitting passively on the sidelines. Maybe this soccer thing will work out and I'll love it. Or maybe it will be painfully obvious that I have no clue what I'm doing, the kids will find out I'm a fraud, and I will be the one crying and asking for my mom at the end of the night. I guess only time will tell.

I don't know either.

A conversation between Oliver and I.

"Mommy, afta I'm done being fouw and a half will I be Alison's age?"

"You'll be five. Alison is six."

"Oh. Afta I'm done being five will I be six?"

"Yes. Are you in a hurry to grow up?"

"Yea. I want to gwow up."

"Why? Why do you want to grow up so fast?"

"Because I weally want to be a gwampa!"

"A Grampa?!"

"Yea, I weally do. Like Gwampa."

"Why do you want to be like Grampa?"

"Because, he weally likes honey."

Humans have logic bones, right?

Getting gas. Not a complicated thing, right? You pull up to the pump, gawk at the price, mutter under your breath about how ridiculous it is, and then fill up anyway, because your other option is just leaving your car there. Although with Ringo it may be a viable alternative.

Tuesday on my way home I noticed the car needed gas. I figured I'd get it after I finished picking up the kids, but my feeble brain couldn't hold a thought that long and I ended up pulling into the garage, looking down at the orange light, and cursing under my breath. I told myself over and over that I would need to remember to try to leave early the next morning so we could get gas on the way to taking Alison to school. I know a huge part of my brain was all "Yea, right, because you are so successful getting her out of the door on time without an added stop", but a small part thought I could do it.

Fast forward to the middle of that night. I woke up with a horrible sore throat, took some ibuprofen, and went back to bed. I was up off and on until I finally waved the white flag, rolled over to turn off my alarm, and told Si I wasn't getting up to run because I didn't feel good. Si was nice enough to take Ali to school for me, and the thought of getting gas in the car left with him.

Later that afternoon I'm in the garage with Oliver getting out various toys. I glanced at the car and all of a sudden it came to me. Hey, I have to get gas! We'll leave a bit early to pick up Ali. I KNEW I could do that! Yay for me!

The time comes and I realize that Si was the last person to drive the car, because the seat is all jacked up. My tiny brain remembers he ran some errands last night. The thought ends there. I get to the gas station, gawk at the price, mutter under my breath, swipe my card and start pumping. The pump immediately turns off. I try again. It turns off. I look around, flabbergasted. I try again. It turns off. I pull the nozzle out just a bit and try again. It turns off. I seriously consider kicking the pump. I try again. It turns off. I pull the nozzle all of the way out, notice there is some gas dribbling out, swear, and try again. It turns off. I walk away before my temper gets the better of me, consider going in to tell the attendant this gas station SUCKS, look around and notice no one else is having problems, and try again. It turns off. I've managed to put half a gallon of gas into the car. I realize the guy next to me is leaving. "I'll try that pump", I tell myself. I get into the car, realize it's time to leave to get Ali, and also the guy next to me is re-organizing his wallet and may never leave. The thought of having to stop for gas AGAIN is making me want to punch someone, but I need to get Ali, and this gas station is obviously stupid. I turn on the car and look at the gas gauge. "I wonder if half a gallon will make he needle move at all?" I wonder. The needle indeed moves. It indicates the gas tank is absolutely, positively full. "Holy crap! I wonder if there is something wrong with the tank?! Or the gas line?! Or the car in general?!" I think, because obviously that's the most logical explanation to this whole thing. I put the car in gear and think that maybe, once I hit the gas, the gauge will go back to almost completely empty. It doesn't. I pull out onto the street, at a loss as to how this situation is occurring. Then, slowly, it dawns on me. Silas filled the car up with gas last night. I think back to getting into the car. Was there a light? I don't think so... Did it beep at me? Not that I remember...

I call Silas. "Did you get gas last night?" "Yep. Why?" "Because I thought the car was broken." Sadly, the man I've been married to for over ten years, who has known me since I was a sophomore in college, did not have a hard time believing that I ignored the fact that the gas gauge said "full, dumbass!", that the orange light was not on, that the car did not beep at me and display the stern message (in a German accent, in our minds at last) "PLEASE REFUEL".

I am so happy I didn't go in to tell the attendant "Pump number 3 is broken.", because that would've been really embarrassing. "No, ma'am, I think your logic bone is broken."

I have a really hard time trying to type Oliver's speech phonetically.

This morning, I'm upstairs getting ready for church. I can hear the kids in their room talking, but no one has emerged yet to start asking for breakfast or whining about having to wear pants that button. I'm quietly enjoying a cup of coffee while finding nylons that don't have a run in them (seriously, I'm SO SICK of having to wear nylons/tights. I need it to get warm now.) when suddenly the stillness of the morning is broken by the sound of the childrens' bedroom door opening.

My hand tightens on my coffee cup, ready to start another day at the mercy of the whims of my small overlords. Then I hear this:

"Hey, look, a spider!"

(worried) "What?!? Whawe?"

"Right here."

(shouting in a worried voice) "MOM!!! I'M KIND OF NEWVOUS ABOUT A SPIDEW DOWN HEWE!"

"Just have your sister take care of it. Ali, will you take care of the spider?"

"Fine." (sounds of bathroom door, where Si is showering, opening) "Sorry, dad, I just need some toilet paper." (sound of door closing on what is probably a very confused Silas.)

(scuffling noises) "Oh, no, where did it go?"

"Undew thewe! Undew thewe!"

"Huh. I can't find it."

(sound of bare feet frantically running down the hallway)

"MOMMA! MOMMA! THE SPIDEW IS UNDEW ALI'S DRESSEW!"

And so begins a Sunday morning in the McAghon house.

(Luckily Oliver forgot about the spider by the time he went to bed tonight.)

Good thing he explained that

Oliver: Wait, Daddy comes home today?

Me: Yep

Oliver: Hey, that means he might come home with pwesents!

Me: Maybe

Oliver: Yea, maybe not. He might just come home.

Me: Yes, and we should just be happy we have daddy home.

Oliver: Yea. Wait, did he go to Quebec?

Me: Yes

Oliver: Oh, he'll pwobably come home with a pwesent. It would be OK if he came home with a toy. Then I would just play with it.

Me: So, in summary, you're OK if Daddy comes home with a present for you?

Oliver: Yep. I am OK with that.

What's good for him is not necessarily what's good for me.

Silas is in Quebec this week. I'm joining him on Thursday (believe me, it can not come fast enough), and his mom and dad are staying with the kids. This involved some car swapping so Si's mom could take our car up north to their condo on Mille Lacs for a few days before enjoying some quality time with her grandchildren. (Good luck to you, Claire, I'm turning off my phone the second you drop me off at the airport. Just kidding...or am I?)

We have two cars, a 2004 Passat station wagon named the McAghon Wagon. It's automatic and almost everything works on it. It doesn't have a side-view mirror, but we're working on that. Our other car is a 1999 VW new Beetle named Ringo. It runs. Other things don't work on it, though. Of course we weren't going to let Claire drive that car all the way up to Mille Lacs, so we gave her the McAghon Wagon, meaning I am driving Ringo.

I don't drive that car a whole lot, and if I do, it's just to work on the weekends, so I'm not getting kids in and out of the back seat. Let me tell you some of the things that are wrong with that car, and these are just the things we know about.

1. I have to crawl through the passenger side to get into the car.

2. I can get out of the driver's side, but then have to lean against the filthy car-hard-to close the door.

3. The levers that fold the seats are broken, so in order to get the kids in and out of the back seat we have a paint brush in the car. We stick the handle into where the levers used to be to force the latch up and fold the seats forward.

4. If you get gas there is some sort of pressure problem that makes the car stall out several times unless you gun the engine until pressure is built back up in the system. I can tell you from experience that people will think you are a dumbass. Especially if you just crawled into the drivers seat from the passenger side.

5. THE RADIO IS STUCK ON AM.

There are other things, too, like the button that rolls down the passenger window is broken, but in the winter that is just not a problem. Also, it only has one headlight working, we've gotten it fixed quite a few times (short? no. loose housing? apparently not.) and now frankly we just don't care anymore.

The radio stuck on AM? That's just like the car gods kicking us in the butt for good measure. Take that, McAghons. You like that? Yea, listen to more KFAN. That's what you get for buying VWs.

Anyway, this morning at work I was lamenting the fact that I can only listen to so much KFAN before I want to shoot myself, and a coworker said "Isn't it time to get a new car?". You know what my first reaction to that was, and this is after I spent 5 minutes listing all of the things that are wrong with the vehicle... "why, it runs?". I've become that person. That old crotchety person who complains about something but is too cheap to fix it. This coworker then went on about how we have two incomes and we should be able to get a new car and bla, bla, bla. First of all, we have one and a half incomes, second of all, not really his business, and third of all, THE CAR RUNS! It got me to work. It's paid for. So is the McAghon Wagon, for that matter. I like not having a car payment. So, whatever. I'm old and crotchety. I'll wear it like a badge. At least I'm old and crotchety with no car payment!

Of course, if I was the one who drove that car every day, you'd better believe we'd be getting a new car.

Tiger mom? I'm more of a bear.

This morning I was at work in a patient's room during a bone marrow and the TV happened to be on. Specifically, The Today Show, and I'm not going to lie here. That show drives me nuts. It's like all of the anchors or reporters or whatever are caricatures of themselves.

They were interviewing a woman about a book she had written regarding 'the Chinese way to raise successful children'. I listened to the interview, and frankly, it made me feel like I was doing a sub-par job raising my children. Worse than sub-par. Somehow I was taking the easy way out of parenting, letting them watch TV and play video games and have playdates and not forcing them to practice the violin for hours every day.

I'm not kidding about that violin part. The woman actually forced her daughter to practice the violin for a few hours every day. In order to do that in this house there would have to be some bondage required.

Basically, the woman said this: (I could do some basic research here and find a name and an actual title of the book for you, but I'm not going to spoon feed you here, people. You all know how to google.) Eastern parents would be horrified by how we raise our children here in the west. We let them have sleep overs and play video games and don't push them to live up to their full potential. She said her (and their) method of parenting is basically that children are capable of doing a lot more than we, or they, think they can. It's our job to push them to live up to those expectations.

When I first started listening, I was horrified. I felt bad for her daughters (she has two). But then self-doubt started gripping me, and I thought about my two children. I thought about the Wii we had just bought for Christmas, the piano that I promised to teach Alison (she's only had about 3 lessons so far), the fact that the first thing they do when we get home from school every day is watch TV and eat a snack. I thought about the potential that Alison has shown, and how maybe I'm not equipped to parent her in a way that will make her live up to it. And then there's Oliver, who at four we just basically let have fun. I haven't MADE him learn his letters yet, or write his name. If he expresses an interest, I encourage and try to teach, but otherwise we let him be a four year old boy.

There are so many ways for us to feel bad about parenting. I think for just about everyone, it's probably the area where you feel the least confidant, where it's easiest to start to feel like you're not doing enough. I stopped reading parenting magazines because instead of feeling informed after reading them I just freaked out that I wasn't doing everything they suggested.

The more I thought about what the woman was saying, the more I realized that she and I had different goals for our children. She used the word successful a whole lot. Her focus was raising 'successful' children. She herself was a law professor at Yale and has written two books. She's married to a fellow Yale law professor. Of course I want my children to be successful, but that doesn't necessarily mean they need to have high-powered jobs and make lots of money and become piano prodigies when they are ten. What I want most for my kids is for them to be happy. To grow into adults who know themselves and are confident. Who care for other people. Who know that their parents, no matter how old they are, will always be there for them, cheering them on 100%. If being a high-powered lawyer is going to make them happy, then go for it. If being a stay-at-home mom or garbage collector is going to help them achieve happiness, then that's what they should do.

It makes me so mad that women like this get to go on TV and preach their rhetoric and make the rest of feel like we aren't doing enough. I'm not a leniant parent. I have rules, and I enforce them. Yes, my kids come home and watch TV. They get no more than half an hour, it's PBS, and the snack has to be a piece of fruit. I expect Alison to have her homework done before supper. I expect her to work hard at school, just like I will expect Oliver to work hard. I have taught Oliver how to write his name, whether he does it when I ask is another question. He knows his ABCs, colors, shapes, and can count. I didn't sit down with him and force him into it, but I looked for opportunities to teach him things when I knew he'd be receptive to it. Yes, we play Wii, but always as a family, and we have pretty strict rules for how long the kids get to play (after they go to bed, though, Si and I can play Mario Kart for as long as we want-the bonus to being a grown-up). How many times do you hear a parent brag about all the good they do for their kids? Most of the time we make self-deprecating remarks about our kids or how we are raising them. I'm not saying that there aren't parents out there who are taking the easy way out, but I think for the most part we're all just trying to do the best we can, and what we need from other people is encouragement.

I'm already keenly aware of any mistakes I make, it's the good things I tend to gloss over until I sit down and really think about it.

Tonight, instead of thinking of all of the mistakes you made all day, why don't you sit back and bask in all of the good things you did for your children. You'll go to bed much happier.

***********************************************************

OK, here's a link to an NPR article: http://www.npr.org/2011/01/11/132833376/tiger-mothers-raising-children-the-chinese-way

The title of the book is "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother"

The Dark Days of Winter

Recently I was listening to MPR (one of the many things Silas has influenced upon me over the years) and they were calling these months we're in now "The Dark Ages". January is historically the coldest month of the year here. A few days later I was watching the news, and the unrealistically orange weather man (who happens to be Scandinavian and therefore his pallor is all the more unbelievable) was lamenting the fact that the temps were going to return to normal after a day where it was 40 degrees and raining. The female anchor was disappointed, and indicated she preferred the 40 degree day. The day where it rained...ALL DAY. The day that turned all of our nice snow into a 2 foot crust of ice. The day that trapped us inside. It was a horrible day. I mean, weather-wise. It was a great day to hang out in the house all day in our jammies, but you can't do that EVERY DAY. Right? I mean, you could try, but I think after a while your job would notice you weren't showing up and before you know it you wouldn't have a house to hang out in at all.

I happen to like winter. I like snow. I don't even mind the cold. When it's not raining there is a myriad of activities you can enjoy outside. I love ice skating, playing hockey, sledding, and watching my children build forts. There is nothing better than coming in from the cold, tired out from whatever you were doing, and enjoying a cup of hot chocolate, while everyone's mittens and hats are drying in front of the registers all around the house.

So, to the oompa-loompa and his female, rain-loving sidekick, I have this to say: Put on a hatand mittens, get outside, and man up about it already. Or move to a place where that orange is a little more believable.

Why in God's name would anyone prefer an unnaturally warm day that turns everything into a gray slush pile to a nice, brisk winter day where the snow is sparkling and you can go sledding? Basically, here's what I'm saying: We live in a place where you can expect it to be cold and snowy for several months out of the year.

After bath, before bed

Oliver is wearing underwear. Si is fully clothed.

Si: "Oliver, go potty now."

Oliver: "But I peed on my bedwoom flow, I don't have to pee anymow."

Who issued us our adult cards?

Silas and I are in the living room. He's getting ready to put the plastic on the windows, because we're high class like that and have decided that a new TV is more important than replacing our 57 year old windows.

Right before Silas started the first window he realized that we never changed the screens to the storm windows this fall. He brought the storm windows up from the basement and I started cleaning them.

Si: "How did we forget to change the windows this year?"

Heather: "I don't know, but this is a perfect day to do it, don't you think?"

Si: (opens first window) "Yes, I'm opening the windows, I'm an idiot."

Heather: "Don't worry, I'm shaking lead paint chips all over the floor while I'm washing these."

Si: "Oh, we'll just get the kids in here to clean that up."

Si: (finishes that window, moves on to another one) "Oh, nice, this one isn't even locked. I wonder how long our front window has been open."

Heather: "Seriously, how did we manage to keep two kids alive this long?"

The difference a year makes

I have a lot of things I could write about...for instance, on our way home from Wisconsin over the Thanksgiving holiday Alison threw up in the car. That was good times. Also, she lost her first tooth the night before we left, meaning the tooth fairy had to visit. Oliver is petrified of the tooth fairy. However, I'm overjoyed about what happened this morning, so I'm going to write about that.

The last time Oliver was at the doctor was for his 3 year well-child check-up. Yes, he's been blessed with good health, but that's not the point. That Doctor's visit will be etched in my memory for all of eternity. I am pretty sure I wrote about it, but I can't find it and I'm sick of searching, so I can't link to it. Suffice it to say it was the most unproductive appointment in the history of doctor appointments. I kind of wanted to ask for my co-pay back. Oliver refused to be weighed, measured, take his clothes off, answer any questions, have his vision or hearing checked or basically anything that was supposed to happen at that visit. At the very end he relented and let them take his blood pressure, but that was it. He threw the biggest crying and screaming fit of his life in the hallway at the office next to the scale, even stretching the limits of the patience of a pediatric nurse. A nurse who works in a doctor's office every day with small kids getting shots. Speaking of shots, I can't even talk about those...you've never seen a kid freak out so much in your life. Not because of the shots, but because of the bandaids. This is the kind of kid Oliver is. Sweet and loving, yes. Hilarious, yes. Full of weird quirks and fears, YES. (See above for tooth fairy reference, also tornados, fire, bandaids...I could go on.)

Our pediatrician moved to a new office, so I decided to stick with him and switch, too. I made Oliver's appointment this year and started casually mentioning to him that he was going to go to the doctor. You know, so the doctor could see how strong he'd gotten, how fast he could run, bull like that. What I really wanted to say was "So help me God, kid, we are going to the doctor and you are going to let them weigh you and measure you. You're going to strip naked gleefully, just like you do at home, and let him check you out. You're going to answer his questions, do what he says, make me look like the best mom in the world, AND submit to a vision and hearing screening. If you don't he is going to give you lots and lots of shots, followed by lots and lots of bandaids. Got it?" I had a feeling that angle would backfire, though.

This week has been a bit hectic and I completely forgot about his appointment until last night when I was looking at the calendar after the kids went to bed. (That'll teach me to ignore calls from numbers I don't recognize on my cell phone.) I went into their room this morning and woke them up like I always do. It was apparent Oliver was already awake, so I mentioned that today was the day he was going to go to the doctor.

He promptly started crying. Kind of dashed my hopes for a smooth appointment this time around. Once again I swallowed my initial mothering instinct ("are you kidding me with this? It's the freaking doctor, it's easier than grocery shopping. What is your deal, kid?") I tried the super patient, calm tactic. That didn't work, so I resorted to the bargaining tactic. I told him if he was good at the doctor and did everything they asked him to do and was cooperative, I would take him out for a treat afterwards. Since I was talking to Oliver, I wasn't sure it was going to work. He's been known to refuse a doughnut because it meant he had to put on shoes. This time, though, it got the desired effect, after I promised him there would be no shots (I was very, VERY hopeful.)

I talked up the doctor all morning, saying how impressed he would be with how big and strong Oliver had gotten, etc., so by the time we were getting out of the car at the clinic Oliver actually said "I can't wait to see Dr. [insert his name here]!"

You guys, he was the most cooperative kid I've ever seen. It was amazing. Stand on the scale? No problem. You want my back against the wall here so you can see how tall I am? I can do that. Is this good? You want me to move back? Have my blood pressure taken? Yeppers. He answered questions left and right. He even ran so the doctor could look at his gait (he's really flat footed, no more croc wearing for him). He was a bit hesitant on getting up on the table, but after being reassured that no shots were going to happen up there, he hopped up no problem. They even had the nasal spray flu vaccine, which he agreed to, so I was golden. Then the doctor asked if he'd ever had his hearing and vision checked. I reminded the good doctor that the last appointment was an unmitigated disaster, he nodded knowingly and said we'd try it again this time.

Oliver willingly put on glasses AND headphones. I almost fainted. His vision and hearing are perfect. I practically skipped out of there, humming showtunes. It was like unicorns were running around pooping rainbows. He could've asked for anything and I probably would've gotten it for him, but luckily, being 4, his needs are simple, so I bought him a big chocolate chip cookie he didn't have to share with anyone and smothered him with kisses until he asked me to please stop it.